Monday, January 9, 2012

Experiencing ALS

How To Experience ALS Briefly.....


I had the oddest experience when my family took me to the old market in Omaha.
I was riding in a simple folding wheelchair with no suspension and solid rubber wheels.



My brother-in-law, Tim, was pushing me energetically.  The sidewalks were uneven and
as he pushed me down the old brick paver street, I got the weirdest sensation...


One of the main symptoms of ALS [besides weakness, paralysis, and spasms] are ''fasciculations'' (i.e., twitches and shivering all over one's body even to the point of chattering teeth).  We discovered that getting pushed in a wheelchair down a brick street is very similar to the fasciculation  of ALS!  So, if you want to know what ALS is like, all you need is a wheelchair, an old brick street, and a strong friend to push you!




 How to not experience ALS for the long term…

I was diagnosed with ALS in April – eight months ago. While there is no known proven cause, there  are several theories.  I have been reminiscing about my past looking for clues...  Every month, I would have a new theory as to the cause of my illness.  If you can stay away from these, your chances of getting ALS are reduced.


Pesticides –

I was exposed to a lot of pesticides as a child. The city of Omaha sprayed DDT on the
elm trees to prevent them from the Dutch Elm disease in the 1960s. Many, many elm trees were planted  in Omaha and other cities because they grow rapidly. The Dutch Elm disease was so rampant in the 1960s and killed so many trees that it was joked that ''Elmwood Park'' would be re-named ''Stump Park''. 


My grandmother worked in a greenhouse and brought home ''chlordane'' - which like DDT is now banned.  My parents are average Americans - if some is good, then more is better and too much is the best.


If a bug is seen in your home you may be criticized. So pour gallons of pesticide, to be the envy of your neighbors.   But, before the 1970s, the dangers of pesticides were not well known.  


My mother used bleach in her dish washing water. She knew that ammonia was a good cleanser and bleach was a good cleanser. But she wanted to have the cleanest home - to be the envy of the  neighborhood, so she mixed them together.  It probably is a very effective cleanser, but since the side effects of mixing those two agents is a toxic gas that produces un-consciousness and death....there are very few people who use it.


Mercury/silver amalgam dental fillings-

Mercury is very toxic.  The dentistry industry just change the name of these cheap effective fillings to ''silver amalgam fillings'' although the main ingredient is mercury not silver. Fortunately, I had many fillings as a child.  I was the oldest of six children. At bedtime, I would put on my jammies, brush my teeth, go with the other children off to bed. Then sneak off to watch the Tonight Show alone with my father....and have a bowl of sugar cereal!  And I thought that since I already brushed my teeth, I did not have to brush them again!  So, you can see why I have a lot of fillings. Get any silver fillings safely removed by a good dentist as soon as possible. There are new miracle ceramics these days.  And they look better, too.



MSG-

Monosodium glutamate is a neurotoxin. Neurotoxin means toxic to nerves.  Many processed foods, especially Chinese food, and especially Ramen noodles have a lot of MSG. The ALS disease involves the glutamate in the nervous system. I will not say that MSG is a killer because most people tolerate it just fine. If MSG was a killer, our streets would be filled with dead college students, dead bachelors and dead poor people!


I admit in my life, rich or poor, single or married I loved Ramen noodles with tuna. Noodles with MSG, and tuna with mercury.  Yum Yum!  My ex-wife, an excellent nurse, even warned me that it was not good that I ate so many Ramen noodles.  Gee, I hate it when she is right!  sigh...

Stress/ irregular sleep patterns-

I was not a good student, or for that matter, employee.  I pushed myself and tried really hard to graduate college and to be a good husband and provider.  I don't blame my ex-wife for this, but she was a lot smarter and capable.  Seemed like everything she touched turned to gold , and everything I touched turned to poop. She had better jobs and was never laid off...and I frequently was. But, she was a nurse and I was a sales person.  In the nature of our economy the fact is that nurses' jobs are much more secure than most other people's jobs. 
And since I did not make enough money in my primary job, I had to take a part-time night job to try to match her income. I hope it does not sound like I am blaming her!  Back in the 80s and before, it was widely accepted that the man should make more money than the woman.  No one forced me to do these things – I was just trying to fill the role that society dictated.   But I do remember as far back as high school that I did not react well to stress and being up all night.  It kind of felt like I was coming out of a bad alcoholic hangover – kind of like an emotional hangover.


Toxic smoke –

All my life I've been around toxic smoke.  It was my job to burn the trash as a child, burned toxic treated wood and PVC plumbing at construction sites, and doing welding, which has smoke with heavy metals in it.  And I was a volunteer firefighter!


Head trauma –

I guess this is a no-brainer to advise people to avoid head trauma. But, then again maybe I've had so much head trauma, that I don't get it!  I was my mother's first child and a difficult birth.  A 24 hour labor, and the doctors had to grab my head with forceps and yanked me out.  My aunt was in the attending nurse and she said that I had a small cut on my head as a result.


As a toddler, I found a hole cut into the floor in a closet that was used as a laundry chute and fell through it.  An 8 foot drop onto concrete. My mother says she found me laughing. I'd like to think I was a super genius up to that point - and I've been a goofy laughing semi-genius ever since then!


I remember falling a lot in my childhood and teenage years.  Plus I'm tall (6 foot 3) and I hit my head a lot in doorways, attics, and in basements. And while I was lucky enough to travel to Europe three times in my life (for a total of 10 months) they have very old buildings with very short ceilings and doorways.  The net result being that I literally bonked my head on the history of Europe!


Then in high school and college I played intramural soccer, which involved head butting the ball!


Alcoholism –   

Now, I am not saying that alcoholism or drinking to excess causes ALS.  But, some of the side effects of my drinking may have contributed to my illness.  For example,  falling down and hitting my head, falling down into a campfire (Gee ,it was smoky in there), and in college – if I had $50 a week for food – I would spend five dollars of it on Ramen noodles and tuna – and spend the other $45 on beverage alcohol! L D 


Being a soldier –  

It is proven that military people get ALS at almost twice the level of civilians.  This could be due to:  high levels of MSG in the military food rations, the pollution of the battlefield, ingestion of lead from being around bullets, stress, irregular sleep patterns, etc.  I think farmers are also at an increased risk of ALS – probably due to the pesticides.


To sum up   

ALS is very rare – one in 100,000 people get it. So probably just the fact that you know someone with ALS, means statistically that you'll never get it.  I hope that none of my family or friends get ALS – I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  Not that I have many enemies...at least that I know of.
  
Jack

Ring, Ring...


I don't know if you've ever heard me say this, though I've said it many times...

To my knowledge, my parents have no electrical, electronic, or electronical experience.

Ever since I was little, I was the only one fiddling with the wires at my house, so it was a mystery to me that I and my brother-in-law worked for telephone companies (BellSouth, AT&T, and Sprint).  My other brother-in-law was somewhat in the telephone business with OCLI then JDS uniphase.

My dad told me something the other day that kind of shocked me.

I knew he started on the Omaha Fire Department in 1956.  I also knew that as a new hire he did every kinda of shit job at the fire department.

He cleaned toilets, mowed yards, polished brass, cooked food, ran errands, climbed to the top of the grain elevator to extinguish a burning motor, carried dead bodies,....  The list of Garkin menial tasks go on without end.

However, he really surprised me with one job.  In 1957, 911 had not been invented yet.  He was posted to a communications/dispatch room for duty.  It sounds like the radios were from the 1930's, and the telephone and telegraph equipment was from the 1890's!!

Every fire station had a dedicated phone line that came to this room.  My dad ran the "cord board" 

- one fire station would ring and request to get connected to another fire station.  Yes, he was the "girl with a smile in her voice" (yeah, I don't believe it either!).  To me there are few jobs more telephone-ish than being Ernestine the operator!


They also had remote "fire call boxes".


These were mostly used in the Northeast part of the United States in the urban areas.

They were all strung on the same two wires, kind of like a "junkyard circuit".

They were a very simple clockwork spring windup with a code of long and short rings.  Three long, three short rings of a large brass bell would mean "box 33" would mean 3rd and Broadway, for instance.  Someone pulling the handle would start the clockwork turning a switch on and off.

Will wonders ever cease?

jack 

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The World According to Matt


To my friends: Matt is my 43 year old mentally retarded, cerebral palsy, hypoxic at birth, little brother....

The world according to Matt:

No job equals no worries.

Gravy is good.

All TV is good....even the test pattern.  Even the STATIC.  EVEN the BLUE SCREEN.  EVEN when the TV is OFF!

Matthew can see around the corner before anyone else.

To hold that perfect piece of paper is to have the world in the palm of your hand.

Why did Matt cross the road?  To get the piece of paper!!

The shinier the better.

Matthew can get anything he wants just by pointing and grunting like a caveman.

Matthew can see colors no one else can:
schwite, swed, mue, hoovaloo, squeen, rellow blurple, gangloot,....and Qraybut he considers Qray just a lighter shade of abbone'.  (Brother Jack admits to channeling some Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker books on that one!)

ALL that glitters is GOLD. (pediddle to Matt)

The paper is always whiter (vujade) on the other side....

Stagger slowly like a zombie until the pretty girl, baby, or perfect paper is sighted, then ZOOM!

Matt knows cleavage is a gift from God.  Some members of my family say that Matt is not aware of sex or cleavage.....but, hey, I've seen him look at Gisele...and no one, not even Matt, is THAT retarded!!



Farts is funny.

Matt knows all, tells nothing.

Picasso started painting in the impressionist style, after he met Matt!



I took Matt's iPicture and ran it through the Funhouse Mirror setting in iPhotobooth on the iPad and it came out as this:


and then this:

???!!!???

Matt knows the unified field theory and how to achieve time travel AND anti-gravity - he is just waiting for someone to ask him (and receive funding).

Happiness is holding a puppy.

Anyone can look at the leaves on a tree...only Matt can look at the light in-between the leaves!

If we cut his hair and put an orange (paddywaggle to Matt) sheet on him, we could sell tickets to his meditations!


Sure, everyone knows to look both ways when crossing the street, but Matt can look BOTH ways AT ONCE!

-=j=-


P.S. Sorry if I got too silly, but it's all Matt's fault.  He told me to write this!!


P.P.S. Matt's Beatles' Theme Song:
The Fool On The Hill
by John Lennon, Paul McCartney

Day after day,
Alone on a hill,
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still.
But nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool,
And he never gives an answer,

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

Well on the way,
Head in a cloud,
The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud.
But nobody ever hears him,
Or the sound he appears to make,
And he never seems to notice,

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

And nobody seems to like him,
They can tell what he wants to do,
And he never shows his feelings.


But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.


Ooh, ooh,
Round and round and round.

And he never listens to them,
He knows that they're the fools,
They don't like him.


But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.



P.P.P.S.  Hidden Easter eggs in the above post.  First to get them wins...um,...a date with Matt and Jack!!?!








Jack's Some Humor To Watch #1

This is 7 minutes long...but worth it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-WBKah3uwg&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My New Year's Resolutions - Naming Names!




Some people may remember that usually at this time of year I ask people if they receive too much e-mail from me, too little e-mail from me, or just the right amount of e-mail from me.  Well, it ain't gonna happen this year,  Shecky!

Yup, you are all going to receive way too much e-mail from me.  The fact of way too much computer time and my somewhat deteriorating mental condition will guarantee a flood of puzzling and pointless e-mail!  lol. 
Plus all the time you will have to spend reading my blog because I figure the one way to increase readership of my blog is to name names!


But back to New Year's resolutions ....
To be brutally honest  – since becoming increasingly paralyzed, can I make any New Year's resolutions?  To meditate more?  To sleep more?  To eat softer food?  Watch more TV?  Watch all 480 episodes of ''The Simpson's''?  To subscribe to ''Quadriplegics Monthly'' magazine?

So, I decided to do something differently – and much more in keeping with my personality:


I'm making New Year's resolutions for my friends and family!


Number Negative One   I don't normally start counting in negative numbers, but I thought of this late and it should be at the top!  Please replace your smoke alarm batteries!  The life you save may be your own...


Number Zero – Read my blog!  Of course, if this is in my blog...you've already accomplished one resolution!!!  You can find my blog at Blogspot.    You can google "Jackmuses" (one word) and "blogspot" and my blog will come up.

Number One – My number one pet peeve by far, people [Dwight, I'm talking to you!], when you send out a funny e-mail to a large number of people.... DON'T put the addresses in the ''TO:'' or the ''CC:'' areas – put them in the ''BCC:'' category (Blind Carbon Copy) that way people who have infected compromised computers – mainly PCs – and my e-mail won't go to the spammers.  I get enough spam about penis and breast enlargement, Viagra, and the large amounts of money in Africa that people are desperately trying to give me!  (although, truth be told, I am interested in a breast


Number Two – That my cousin Greg O. gets a fabulous girlfriend in Austin, Texas -preferably a nymphomaniac millionaire orphan who owns a liquor store!


Number Three - Enjoy life! -- ''carpe diem'' -- ''seize the day''!  While ALS is so very rare that it is a practical guarantee that none of my friends or family will ever get it (and that is of great comfort to me) there are lots of nasty diseases.  Not many of us will live to be 100. So, I guess I'm saying put off work, put off anything difficult, and enjoy life. Enjoy your friends , family, and neighbors.  I  guess I am saying be a slacker!  Get out there and have fun. Of course, sitting on the couch watching television has its place, too!


Number Four - I wish I could get in touch with more of my old Omaha friends.  I can't find them on Google or Facebook.  I will mention them in my blog by name.  New Year's is the time for people to Google themselves and see the imprint they are making.
(I am impossible to find through Google or Facebook because the name "Jack Green" is so like "Joe Smith"....and when I say impossible to find, I mean there are hundreds of me on Google – a preacher, millionaire, criminal, film director, politician, do-gooder, do badder, etc., - and as you know, none of them are me!)


I often tell my friends things about them that I found on the Internet that they did not know.  I bet I'm not the only one Google stalking!  The only person I won't Google is my ex-wife.  It's very simple as to why...  If she was doing very badly it would upset me, and then on the other hand, if she was doing very well....it would also upset me.  I guess I have to quit judging my insides by other people's outsides. 


Anyway, back to old friends, I heard Dan Drey moved to Des Moines.  My old friend from Junior Achievement, Doug Durham, passed away last summer.  But I'd like to talk to his ex-wife Melody... I lost touch with him about 10 years ago.  He was getting married while I was getting divorced. 


I'm sure I can add more names to the list as I think of them.  One girl I would really like to apologize to is Debbie Crisman.  I'm not sure what high school she went to, it may have been Omaha Northwest.  We were in Junior Achievement together. 

Number Five - Start Googling yourself!  I'll admit I'm kinda getting tired of telling people things about themselves they should already know about themselves.... Think of it as looking into a mirror in a narcissistic way.  Except in this case the mirror is the internet.  I would if I could, but I can't because again, Jack Green is such a common name , as is John Green. 


Number Six - its okay to drive older cars now.  In the past when repairs got to be too much, people sold their old car and bought a new one.  The internet makes repairs much easier and cheaper.  I put in the symptom of a dead dashboard gauge on my friend's jeep and info came up on how to take the dash apart and where the loose connector was!  It also said the easiest way was to hit the dash in one certain spot and sure enough, I did that, and the gauges came back alive!


Number Seven - are you tired of paying too much for eye glasses?  I sure was! I was paying between 100 and $200 at eye Masters and Walmart.  I googled for goggles on the Internet and found a company called zenni.com... Thousands of frames, starting at $6.95! I'm not kidding. [Yes, I kid about a lot of things but not this]  a lot of my coworkers at AT&T are now using Zenni – we are all very happy.

No more ''your prescription has expired'' or ''we don't accept prescriptions from that Doctor''...  You enter in the prescription on the website. Shipping is five dollars. But if you order more than $50 worth of glasses-- Shipping is free.  They do bifocals, trifocals, progressive, tinted, or prescription sunglasses.

I am a show sure you'll be happy with this that I will pay up to $25 If you are not completely satisfied... Is there a catch?
Yes, there is always a catch. In this case there are three! You have to have your prescription from your eye doctor. He/she probably won't want to give you your prescription – – they will say ''oh gosh, you're not going to order from Zenni are you?''

Second catch is you have to know your ''PD'' -- pupillary distance. It is a distance between the center of your eyes. It is very difficult to measure your own – so have your spouse or spice do it.  There are instructions on the website how to do it.

I usually order three or four pair of the same kind of glasses – so if I scratch or lose a lens I can't combine broken pairs back into a good pair.

The third catch is that I don't know how they can make a profit. My theory is slave children in China make the lenses, then they are shipped via air to California, where they are popped into frames, and then shipped to you.-- That is, the lenses, not the slave children!  But this is just a theory of mine.


zenni.com !!


So I hope, in a month's time, my cousin Greg will have that girlfriend;  people will no longer send lists of lists of e-mails on their e-mails to me; and I will have gotten e-mails from people saying ''Guess what I found out about myself?!''; my friends will be pounding the daylights out of their cars and trucks; and I'll finally be able to apologize to Debbie Crisman for something that happened in 1978...! 
-=j=-

Monday, January 2, 2012

The Hat Says It All



You often see war veterans with a hat. These hats are important as they tell something important about the soldier who proudly wears it.  They offer a kind of history lesson for the reader. It either invites a question about the reference or an acknowledgement of respect for those who paid attention in history class.  

About 15 yrs ago I met an old vet with a black hat that said ''Ploesti Bomb Raid''. He was a bomber crewman in Operation Tidal Wave.  In bombing the heavily defended Romanian oil refineries in 1943, about 530 guys didn't come back from that raid!  If totally successful it would have shortened WWII by months.  I knew what a brave important thing he did and I told him so.

My dad has a "Desert Storm Veteran" hat.  There was a time when he would hang out at Burger King with other vets and their hats and talk.  That has me thinking...

If or when I start hanging out with them at Burger King what's my hat gonna say?

I dont wanna start trouble... (oh, who am I kidding?  I love to start trouble!) 





Here's a list of hat ideas:

'CIVILIAN' (the truth)

'COWARD' (ALSO the truth!)

'4F!'

'DON'T ASK - DON'T TELL (I know, I'm on thin ice!)

'DESERT STORM - I SENT MY DAD!" (I had better things to do) (Dick Cheney reference)

'KNEE DEEP NAVY' (Coast Guard)


'BLACK OPS'


'CIA'


'NSA'


'NWA' (I told you I wasn't kidding...I love starting trouble!)


'BATTLE OF THE BULDGE' (Not with Patton in WWII - but my widening waist)


'BATTLING ALS'

I could wear a hat to reference my tours of duty in Tennessee:


'BATTLE OF FRANKLIN 1864'

'FORT GRANGER - Never Forget' (oh, wait...who? what? when?) 

'CONFEDRATE AIR FORCE' (commemorative hat)


'MARINELAND SEAL'

'FRAT BOY - RETIRED'


Of course, I would need to give reference to my time served in Nebraska!:



'BATTLE OF THE PLATTE'

'BATTLE OF SADDLE CREEK'

'BATTLE OF THE BANDS - PEONY PARK 1975-1980'

'FORT ROBINSON'


'Nebraska Navy - ADMIRAL'(on the front) - (on the back)'Kentucky COLONEL'



And finally the random just because:


'VETERAN OF THE '60s'


'KISS army' (fan club for '70's costumed glam rock group)


'HALO KITTY - the claws come out'


'WORLD WAR III - third times the charm'

'TELEPHONE WARS (p.s. the consumer lost)'


I think it is obvious I need a whiteboard cap or a bus-like scroll sign that I can constantly change....

-=j=-

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Advice For A Graduate






In 1989, I wrote a letter to a co-worker's son who was graduating high school. He found me  - 20 years later - through Facebook. That's mind-boggling by itself because I have such a common name.


He contacted me and sent a copy of the letter I wrote so long ago:






He also was kind enough to say that he did not take any of my advice.  That's okay.  Even I don't follow my own advice!

Now, of course, I don't give that advice.  College is no longer the universal answer for everyone. Instead, the parents' money can be well spent teaching high school graduates plumbing, heating/air conditioning, lawnmowing/landscaping, vehicle repair, tools, etc...  These are blue-collar jobs that cannot go to China or be done by a computer like white-collar jobs.

The other advice I give parents when they complain about the cost of college is that schools in India are in English and cost three times as much for US students as Indian native students. Indian kids pay $100 a year. So, the United States kids have to pay $300 a year.  And they are welcome. The more Americans students the better. They are happy to learn about our culture to be able to fit in better when they come here.  I happened to run into a girl who was a recent graduate from an Indian university and she was happy she attended school there. 

Of course, airfare would add to these costs.  It gives the ''semester abroad'' a whole new meaning!  And they would need a whole lot of vaccinations before going.  Hope they like crowds and spicy foods!

I love telling this to parents.  I see the dad seriously considering it, and the mom getting flustered at the thought of her baby being dumped in a Third World country!  I figure one way to keep the airfare down would be to let the students stay there four years - only fly them back if they graduate!

  -=j=-